The circle of life
Parenting is a circle. Some days the circle is leisurely. No demands and everyone is well. Then in a flash it’s a full race putting out fires in the circle.
This was an apt description by a beautiful lady who was stretched between two opposing caregiving demands. Her child in hospital and miles away but constantly on the telephone her demanding parent needing reassurance that she was not abandoned.
Every day, you visit, each day you remember the things you love about your parent who is now not able to be independent and living the life you once knew with them.
You are not caring for your loved one in a hands-on way, but still they are top of mind for you.
Then you get a phone call from their senior care residence, totally unexpected always but your thoughts usually run in several directions:
According to the National Family Caregivers Association, more than 50 million Americans provide care for a chronically ill, disabled, or aged family member or friend during any given year, and that number is growing. Adult children are often first in line to care for their aging parents. But what if those adult children are still raising children of their own? This is the burgeoning challenge faced by an entire “Sandwich Generation” of family caregivers.
When added to the many responsibilities of their own daily lives, including work and raising their own family, caring for a loved one with declining health can be quite an undertaking. In addition to the physical and financial strain of “being everywhere at once,” Sandwich Generation caregivers bear a complicated emotional burden. The worry, pain, and sorrow they already feel over a parent’s illness are compounded by the demanding challenges of caregiving. Feelings of powerlessness and guilt are prevalent in family caregivers — for repeatedly having to “choose” one family need over another, for feeling that no choice can ever be the “right” one, and even for feeling they have no choice at all.
The challenges are real and daunting, and more families are facing them every day.
Exhaustion
Resentment
Worry
Happiness
Choose to take charge of your life, and don’t let your loved one’s illness or disability always take centre stage.
Remember to be good to yourself. Love, honour, and value yourself. You’re doing a very hard job, and you deserve some quality time, just for you.
Watch out for signs of depression, and don’t delay in getting professional help when you need it.
When people offer to help, accept the offer and suggest specific things that they can do.
Educate yourself about your loved one’s condition. Information is empowering.
There’s a difference between caring and doing. Be open to technologies and ideas that promote your loved one’s independence.
Trust your instincts. Most of the time they’ll lead you in the right direction.
Grieve for your losses, and then allow yourself to dream new dreams.
Stand up for your rights as a caregiver and a citizen.
Seek support from other caregivers. There is great strength in knowing you are not alone.
Will it ever be the end? Remember in the first instalment, my mother, who is a generation younger than my MIL, still lives in our home. Admittedly, she has been her twenty-five years and has not required any sort of long-term physical support except the occasional broken foot, twisted ankle and other such ailments that keep her from walking her beloved Schnauzer.
The empty chair, the empty suite, no pitter patter of tiny feet, the nanacam is off and the meals don’t need to be on time. We miss her, our children have only known a life with her present. Fortunately, they have grown and one is away at university, while the other is adjusting to the changes in routine by becoming more independent in many ways. Life as we used to life it daily has changed and nothing will ever change it back. This is the part where we get to count our blessing. Our beloved Nana is still living, we can still see her whenever we want and no matter where she is physically, mentally she is just different now.
