Every day, you visit, each day you remember the things you love about your parent who is now not able to be independent and living the life you once knew with them.
You are not caring for your loved one in a hands-on way, but still they are top of mind for you.
Then you get a phone call from their senior care residence, totally unexpected always but your thoughts usually run in several directions:
Imagine how great it would be to have just one extra hour in the day to get done exactly what you wanted to complete. Now, let’s take a look at how much time you spend in a day worrying about the things you’re not getting done. How much time do you spend convincing yourself that this is OK? Or what about the energy you expand on being frustrated and angry that you’re not even close to getting the things done you used to.
For me, I would start out gung-ho with a plan and an agenda of how I was going to get everything I needed to do done. Then usually a “crisis” would come up which needed my attention more than my schedule did. Now the crisis didn’t have to be very big like a cracked tooth or a school invent, but usually it’s something that just needs all my attention. Slowly but surely the things that I had put on my schedule were being left undone. Don’t get me wrong, I did enjoy doing some of the things that interrupted my day, but I didn’t love all of them. What would happen is that I would start worrying late into the night and wondering whether or not anything was ever going to get finished.
According to the National Family Caregivers Association, more than 50 million Americans provide care for a chronically ill, disabled, or aged family member or friend during any given year, and that number is growing. Adult children are often first in line to care for their aging parents. But what if those adult children are still raising children of their own? This is the burgeoning challenge faced by an entire “Sandwich Generation” of family caregivers.
When added to the many responsibilities of their own daily lives, including work and raising their own family, caring for a loved one with declining health can be quite an undertaking. In addition to the physical and financial strain of “being everywhere at once,” Sandwich Generation caregivers bear a complicated emotional burden. The worry, pain, and sorrow they already feel over a parent’s illness are compounded by the demanding challenges of caregiving. Feelings of powerlessness and guilt are prevalent in family caregivers — for repeatedly having to “choose” one family need over another, for feeling that no choice can ever be the “right” one, and even for feeling they have no choice at all.
The challenges are real and daunting, and more families are facing them every day.
Exhaustion
Resentment
Worry
Happiness
Choose to take charge of your life, and don’t let your loved one’s illness or disability always take centre stage.
Remember to be good to yourself. Love, honour, and value yourself. You’re doing a very hard job, and you deserve some quality time, just for you.
Watch out for signs of depression, and don’t delay in getting professional help when you need it.
When people offer to help, accept the offer and suggest specific things that they can do.
Educate yourself about your loved one’s condition. Information is empowering.
There’s a difference between caring and doing. Be open to technologies and ideas that promote your loved one’s independence.
Trust your instincts. Most of the time they’ll lead you in the right direction.
Grieve for your losses, and then allow yourself to dream new dreams.
Stand up for your rights as a caregiver and a citizen.
Seek support from other caregivers. There is great strength in knowing you are not alone.
Over 20 years ago a series of interesting circumstances led me to become the scrap-booker I am now. The first was when I was in my 30’s and visiting my grandparents in Eastern Europe, I had an opportunity to ask my grandfather what one regret he had in his long and interesting life. His response quite surprised me, he regretted he did not value and save his family’s photographs when war forced him from his home as a young man.
The second occurred after the birth of our daughter and the beginning of my dearest friend’s home-based business with the MLM Creative Memories, a paper and album based scrapbooking company. At first, I wanted to support her success and after my first finished album I was hooked. I knew I was fulfilling my artistic passions in a way that was creative as well as archival. It reminded me of my grandfather’s words and his regrets.
When elderly family members become dependent on caregivers for personal grooming and care.
After my mother in law (MIL) moved in with us and became a permanent part of our daily life, it became evident that there were things that would change for our entire household. One of these was grooming. It became a job to drive my MIL to her monthly sessions at her old hairdresser in the next city a 45 minute drive away. We took turns taking her for these sessions, we tried to combine them with lunches with old friends, or appointments with other local caregivers like dentists. In time it became evident that driving so far for services would be frustrating, time consuming and tiring for everyone. Fortunately these outings lasted for only a few years until her stylist retired.
We attempted to find a replacement stylist locally but never found anyone who was just right for frequent visits. I remember thinking that she was never going to be happy with anyone new and did not much care how her hair looked anyway. I cared, I felt that how she looked reflected on how I cared for her. Eventually, I decided we could all win here. It did not take long to throw a few curlers into Nana’s hair and with her perm it held up well until her next hair wash. I learned to do a pretty good job and thus was born my alter ego Fifi. We now took bi-annual trips for perms only and the rest was done at home. Fifi was the resident hairstylist, she kept her hair looking lovely. It became a fun event at the house with friends and other family getting in on the action if they were around on a Fifi day. Out of necessity was born a latent passion and a lot of fun.
What I learned is that no matter what, taking those 15 minutes to simply do a small grooming task had the lasting and cumulative ripple effect that could not be measured but everyone got the benefits. I felt like a good caregiver and DIL, My MIL looked and felt great, her family loved that she was so happy and looked lovely and our children learned to be conscious of personal grooming and the overall benefits or caring for others. Everyone’s levels of frustration diminished considerably. As time went on, Fifi eventually retired, but not before being replaced by Leona, who kindly came to our home and did everyone’s hair professionally, it’s still a fun family time and friends still come by for a Leona day.
What used to be an hours long ordeal that I resented and eventually became a hassle for everyone, become a time of bonding, fun, and long term pleasure for my entire family. I challenge you to pick one place that you can find a way to change an ordeal into a win for everyone by simply making a shift in how you think and feel about it and change how it is executed.
